Doris Wild Helmering's Solution Series, e-books for sale

How to Stop the Criticism
by Doris Wild Helmering
29 Page e-book
Downloadble PDF

Criticism hurts everyone. It hurts the person who's on the receiving end of the comment, and it ultimately comes back to hurt the one who made the comment. If you criticize someone, I guarantee he or she is going to pull away from you emotionally. If you continually make critical comments, other people are not going to share their hopes and dreams because they don't feel close or safe with you. Your criticism, even though you may see it as helpful, alienates people.

When I ask couples in marriage counseling, ``What are some of the problems in your marriage?'' I'll often get the answer, ``She's too critical'' or ``He's always criticizing me.'' Criticism is right up there with affairs, anger, the inability to solve problems, and not doing what you say you will do --the most frequent issues reported in marriage counseling.

I tell people who are critical, ``Others were not put on this earth to meet your expectations. When you got married, your partner did not sign up to be criticized or told what to do. Stop!''

Excerpt 2: IS IT EVER APPROPRIATE TO BE CRITICAL?

Sometimes people ask, ``Is it ever appropriate to be critical?'' Yes, it's expected that a parent correct a child who is misbehaving. It's appropriate for an employer to tell a worker when he's not performing. And sometimes it's necessary for a therapist, teacher, minister, or friend to confront a person on his or her destructive behavior. Anytime an evaluation is required or requested, there's a chance someone is going to be criticized. But if the comment is critical, it should be constructive.

Constructive criticism has three components: (1) A contract, either verbal or non-verbal, exists between the people involved. The person who is making the critical comment is a parent, teacher, editor, supervisor, or very good friend. (2) The negative feedback addresses a specific issue. (3) There is direction for change. If your criticism is truly constructive criticism, all three components must be present.

Inappropriate criticism, on the other hand, is negative feedback that is uninvited (there is no contract). The feedback is nonspecific or broad based, or it is without direction for change.

For example: A father says to his daughter, ``Stop that whining. You are such a crybaby!'' Here there is a contract (parents correct children), the feedback is specific (stop that whining), but the feedback attacks the daughter generally (she's a crybaby). This is inappropriate criticism.

Think of something you've said and ask whether it was constructive or inappropriate criticism. Run it through the formula.

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